Friday, January 18, 2013

Gun Violence Reduction Executive Actions (with subsections, don't forget the subsections)

Gun Violence Reduction Executive Actions:

1. Issue a Presidential Memorandum to require federal agencies to make relevant data available to the federal background check system. Subsection 1b. And not just a sticky note either. A real memorandum with the word 'memorandum' in big bold letters right on top.

2. Address unnecessary legal barriers, particularly relating to the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, that may prevent states from making information available to the background check system. Subsection 2b. Obama: Actually this one is total crap. We just stuck it in there to make it look like we're tough on trial lawyers. Seriously, I spewed chunks when I read this one.

3. Improve incentives for states to share information with the background check system. Subsection 3b. Obama: And by “incentives” I mean FREE OBAMA PHONES! Did you see they got pink guns now? I got Michelle and the girls a whole bunch of em'. They use em' to shoot squirrels in the rose garden late at night.

4. Direct the Attorney General to review categories of individuals prohibited from having a gun to make sure dangerous people are not slipping through the cracks. Subsection 4b. While at the same time giving Holder the opportunity to once again call whities racist. However carried out with his usual deftness so as to be imperceptible.
5. Propose rule making to give law enforcement the ability to run a full background check on an individuals before returning a seized gun. Subsection 5b. Obama: Now I know what you're thinking “propose”, BFD. Wait, you didn't let me finish. When I “propose” it, I'm gonna wave my finger like Clinton. “I. Did. Not. Have. Sex. With. That. Woman”
6. Publish a letter from ATF to federally licensed gun dealers providing guidance on how to run background checks for private sellers. Subsection 6b. Obama: I'm gonnapublish it in The New York Times and maybe even NewsWeek (are they still around?) not just on my FaceBook page.
7. Launch a national safe and responsible gun ownership campaign. Subsection 7b. But not like the other 25,000 programs already in existence. This one's gonna have my logo on everything.

8. Review safety standards for gun locks and gun safes (Consumer Product Safety Commission). Subsection 8b. Obama: Review, take another look at, scrutinize, blah blah blah. Sometimes I'd like to just bitch slap Biden. I'm gonna wait on this one cause it seems like a lot of work. Probably do it during March Madness. Ya know, spoon full of sugar and all that.
9. Issue a Presidential Memorandum to require federal law enforcement to trace guns recovered in criminal investigations. Subsection 9b. Obama: I know, I know, Fast and Furious. What the right wing nutjob's don't tell you, is we couldn't track 'those' guns. Someone told us Mexico uses 220v. Couldn't conceal the converters without it being obvious.
10. Release a DOJ report analyzing information on lost and stolen guns and make it widely available to law enforcement. Subsection 10b. Obama: Release... report, analyze..., whatever. Did you know Secret Service and I play 'war' in the hallways when Michelle's gone. I always win too. I'm like the best Secret Service guy in the whole Secret Service. Except for maybe Theron. He's really good.
11. Nominate an ATF director. Subsection 11b. Obama: I'm gonna nominate Theron.
12. Provide law enforcement, first responders, and school officials with proper training for active shooter situations. Subsection 12b. Obama: This one actually caught me a bit by surprise. Turns out they currently have no training for active shooter situations whatsoever. Basically just watching marathon episodes of Cops. I know, right?
13. Maximize enforcement efforts to prevent gun violence and prosecute gun crime. Subsection 13b. Obama: I can't believe no one ever thought of this before. Sure, efforts were made. But did they “maximize those efforts?” They did not. I'm starting to feel like Shaft.
14. Issue a Presidential Memorandum directing the Centers for Disease Control to research the causes and prevention of gun violence. Subsection 14b. Obama: OK ya caught me. Another “memorandum”. I'll admit this one's pretty weak. But we gotta have at least twenty!
15. Direct the Attorney General to issue a report on the availability and most effective use of new gun safety technologies and challenge the private sector to develop innovative technologies. Subsection 15b. Obama: Sounds pretty bad-ass, don't it? “Direct”, no questions asked. I'm gonna call Holder and the private sector into the Oval Office when I do this. I'll be like: Holder! issue a report! private sector! read the report!
16. Clarify that the Affordable Care Act does not prohibit doctors asking their patients about guns in their homes. Subsection 16b. Obama: LaPierre can kiss my ass. And don't even think about bringing up that Constitution garbage. Constitution, Constitution.
17. Release a letter to health care providers clarifying that no federal law prohibits them from reporting threats of violence to law enforcement authorities. Subsection 17b. Obama: “Release” meaning I'm not just gonna simply write it, I'm gonna “release” it too. Probably on a Friday night though.
18. Provide incentives for schools to hire school resource officers. Subsection 18b. Obama: Resource officer? That one we threw in there as a total lark. Try and make people think we might allow armed police in schools. It's actually just the guy that restocks the custodian closets'. I came up with that one myself. Idk, I was just on fire that day.
19. Develop model emergency response plans for schools, houses of worship and institutions of higher education. Subsection 19b. Obama: Now many of you are probably asking: wouldn't this be best handled by the individual entities themselves? Answer: no. If there's one thing I've learned as President, it's that 'one size fits all solutions' are always the best.
20. Release a letter to state health officials clarifying the scope of mental health services that Medicaid plans must cover. Subsection 20b. Obama: Notice how I snuck in the word “must”. Hey, I won the election. I get to do what I want. Did you see those cute kids I trotted out to sell this thing? I got like three whole binders chock full of cute kids.
21. Finalize regulations clarifying essential health benefits and parity requirements within ACA exchanges. Subsection 21b. Obama: I insisted we use the word 'finalize' here. Makes me sound like a take charge kind a guy. And I am. I really am.
22. Commit to finalizing mental health parity regulations. Subsection 22b. Obama: Now you might be saying: this sounds like a lot of wiggle words. But I'm really really gonna do it. Just might have to wait til after the midterms.

23. Launch a national dialogue led by Secretaries Sebelius and Duncan on mental health. Subsection 23b. Obama: Well that's that. Maybe I'll cure cancer next. Presidenting isn't really that hard once you get the hang of it.

The scary part about the “Gun Violence Reduction Executive Actions” is this Administration actually intended them to be taken seriously. We're just supposed to ignore they read like a third grader whipped em' up at the last minute for a homework assignment.

But perhaps even more frightening is when you realize this is how the Obama Administration handles everything. A bunch of worthless proposals and directives and legislation that solve nothing. They sound pretty, but in the end most only make the situation worse. This country really is being run by a clueless community organizer. Someone who has no business being within a hundred miles of the White House.

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